i hate backfires.
it's like we're not the same ppl we used to be. we wanted so many things last time and it was fun. but now , yall have your clique and i have mine. there's not a day tt goes by tt i dont miss yall and the old times. i wish express and NA didnt form tt fucking barrier and screw up every fucking thing we had. sometimes i hate myself for getting into NA stream (true work of a GENIUS yes?) but then , alili and all make me happy and i dont feel like shit anymore and actually feel glad im in NA. i was just excluded in everything in sec one ..tt one i know it's my fault. i was stupid enough to get close to someone else but yall were always the best to me. i realised my mistake and tried making things back to normal again..but did yall try? guess you all were contented with what yall already had. takes two hands to clap you know.
but then again ,now ,we can still make one another laugh. the bond is hard to break ..but there's still this barrier. perhaps it's not only the express and NA thing ;it's prolly the clique tt im not in and the exclusion. i thought close friends dont do this kinda thing. guess i was wrong la. i dont feel tt comfort tt i felt last time when im around yall and i know it's gonna be hard gaining tt comfort again. one graduating next yr already the other one moving away this year. tt fucking sucks. the feeling sucks. sometimes i blame it all on me but i realise it's the two of you too. like i said ,takes two hands to clap. i tried ,yall didnt bother. it's like yall had each other and couldnt care less bout anything ard yall.
if it werent for me ,yall wouldnt even be mean enough to start your own clique. yall wont even be mean enough to make me look so pathetic ,wanting to go out with yall ,but yall just exclude me. why?you may ask. because if i didnt introduce you to her and her to you, yall wouldnt know shit bout one another. yall wont be doing everything together now. but hey, whatever right? im disposable.
i wonder how it'll be like when she leaves. i wonder how it'll be like with you and me. will you have no one and resort to being reeeeeeeeal close like in primary school? i wonder everyday.
till today ,we refer to each other as 'best friends' . im unsure you really mean it or not. i try not to care anymore cos it's causing unnessecary stress . but i cant help it cos i actually treasured the friendship you see. it's really hard for me to lose friends. dont know bout yall la.
even if yall read this entry , i doubt it'll work. right now i feel nothing will help. it's not really so much me but the two of you. cos i know i try.
but now im tired of trying. im done. now ,i'll just wait.and watch.
